You Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog
by Haley Carr
Summary: Azkaban has a radio station, and Sirius has a journal. Like nothing I've read before. Please R&R. T rating is justincase for possible future language.


Title: You Ain't Nothing But A Hound Dog Summary: Azkaban has a radio station, and Sirius has a journal. Like nothing I've read before. Please R&R. Disclaimer in author profile, as always. 

Day 65: Got this journal. Mad old witch tossed it to me as she visited one time. I had been screaming at the top of my lungs to drown out the music. She said writing in this thing would help me with my "issues". I very nearly threw it back at her, but then had a thought that made me pause long enough for her to skip off merrily, her daily good deed done. I'd thought: "No, Sirius, that's WRONG, and you might be sent to Azkaban!". My conclusion: I am not GOING to insane, rather I have bought a nice cottage there in a field of frogs and inhabit it except on alternate Sundays.

Day 66: I forgot to explain about the music. It's being broadcast from a Muggle radio station, several years into the future. Fudge set it up, I expect he hopes it'll set a new record for how fast a man can go insane in here. A new Death Eater has just won, he went mad in 15 minutes, 39 seconds. I counted.

Day 67: The food here is terrible. It looks like a big blob of quivering, sticky, slimey glob. That's what it is, really, although it seems impossible to have something sticky and slimey and quivering all at once. That's what makes it so wonderous and magical. Excuse me while I barf.

Day 68: You know the times in songs where they say stuff like "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone", "Here comes the sun" or "the sun'll come out tomorrow" ? Well, whoever wrote those has obviously never been to Azkaban. It always rains. I think I've forgotten what the sun looks like, but I watch the stars. There's this really bright one that, with some others, forms a doggie. I like it.

Day 69: I wonder if my day count is right. I tried to make a scratch on the wall for each day, but now I just use this. I think I'm pretty close. The Backstreet Boys are on, and I can hear the muggle fangirls sighing from here. Who cares which way they want it, they're never going to get it anyway. And the songs keep getting stuck in my head!

Day 70: This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because... -intermission- ...This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because this is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because...they have nothing better to do.

Day 71: Can't hardly write or talk after all of that I did yesterday. My hand hurts. My throat hurts. I want my Mommy...so I can wring her neck!

Day 72: My hand is less sore, but I still can't talk. "So what?" you're thinking. "Who do you want to talk to anyway?" I'm glad you asked, and 'cause I'm so nice I will explain it to you. See, a couple hours ago these two Muggle girls came in, and started talking to me. Beats me how they got past the Dementeds, or how they can even see Azkaban, but what can I say? That's right. Nothing. Because I still can't talk.

They, however, can talk. In fact, they're not very good at stopping. They introduced themselves as Pippy and Mebbe, definitely the weirdest names I've ever heard. Some of the topics they've covered so far:

Harry Potter James Potter Ron Weasley )  
Hermione Granger )  
Neville Longbottom )  
Toads Cats Owls OWLs NEWTs Hogwarts Durmstrang Beauxbaxons Triwizard Tournament Cedric Diggory )  
Wormtail Mad Eye Moody Barty Crouch The Dementer's Kiss Polyjuice Potion Malfoys Slytherins Gryffindors Ravenclaws Hufflepuffs Mushroom A. Trufflehuff-Simon, the badger )  
Quidditch Quidditch Through The Ages Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them "Does Harry have cute handwriting"  
"Does Ron?" )  
"Are guys cuter with blue or green eyes?" (Mebbe voted green, Pippy blue)  
"Is it hard to maintain eye contact with a hippogriff?" Talons or Tea Leaves?  
Tea Peanut Butter Sprite )  
Tea, again Tea-chers Proffesors Remus Lupin Werewolves Wolves Dan Radcliffe )  
Harry Potter

...and then the conversation basically started all over again. HOW DO MUGGLES EVEN GET INTO AZKABAN ANYHOW!

Day 73: They. Haven't. Left. And. I. Haven't. Slept. A. WINK! Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr... they're just sitting there, staring at me with their evil blank little expressions, and even when I look up from writing this and glare at them, they don't move, they just grin! I think I'll try staring at them all nicely for a few minutes and see if they walk away...

Hey, it worked! Well, they didn't exactly WALK, it was more like disapearing, except the stupid grins stuck around for a few seconds afterward. Mad, I tell you!

Day 74: You know what, I think I've figured out the whole radio-station-from-the-future thing. Each day, it broadcasts a random day from no more than about 20 years into the future. In no particular order at all, naturally. Today it's playing nonstop Beatles. Some sort of marathon, I think. There's this one song, called "Yesterday", that's been on every few hours, and it's like the song was written by me, man, only it'd be more like,

"Yesteryear all my troubles seemed so far, not near,  
now it looks as though I wanna beer,  
oh, I believe in yesteryear!  
Suddenly, I'm not half the dog I used to be,  
oh, yesteryear came suddenly!  
Why they had to go I dunno,  
they were so dear,  
I did something wrong now I long for yesteryee-e-e-e-e-e-ar! Yesteryear..."

etc.

Day 75: New guy, apparently hexed a toilet of the Minister. Tried to ask him how he managed it, he threw his gruel at me, and missed. Stupid little brat. At least I don't have to share a cell with him.

Day 76: Arrogant little berk won't be good and just go insane. I can't turn into a dog when some stupid kid could see and tell on me! I can, however, growl rather well as a human, and I'm making that fact quite apparent. Grrr!

Day 77: He left! Got out of Azkaban, after only two days! Heck, I had detention for a month after hexing one of the Hogwarts Proffessors toilets! Stupid kid, stupid federal justice system, stupid toilets...

How Sirius described himself and his fellow mauraders as kids after Harry saw Snape's worst memory in OOTP. Heh, heh. So, dare I continue? Is this any good? Are you gonna read my other stories or what? As you ponder the answers to these and many other questions, REVIEW!


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